I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and musing the last few days about my plans and the things that I want for my daughter and myself. I’m one of those people who gets completely motivated and excited about something straight away. My mind starts firing off in all directions and I just run with it. I’ll start researching all the little steps I need to make and how I can make them and then I’ll start trying to solve all the little hurdles that are arising. Now this can be in the 1st hour of getting an idea, and already I’m trying to solve hypothetical problems. Then I find I can’t solve the hypothetical problems and I kind of crash psychologically and get all demotivated. COMPLETELY forgetting these are my own imagined hypothetical problems!
I guess what I’m saying is, I’m learning really fast that I’m just going to have to let this bit of my personality go somehow. I think if my friends were to describe me then the words ‘organised’ and ‘pedantic’ would come in there pretty fast. Now being organised has some huge advantages but when it comes to making these big decisions, pedants really need not apply. I mean, I’ve found myself worrying about problems I might face to do with my daughters schooling when she would be high school age (she’s 19 months old!), I’ve been worrying about whether she, as an individual will mind travelling or living a slightly location-less life. Again, these are just massive hypotheticals, I can never know the answers to these worries until I’m actually dealing with them. But I end up letting it demotivate me because that pedantic side of my personality is demanding answers and it wants them now!
I forget that if I’d thought about every tiny step I was going to have to take to achieve any of the things I’ve done then I probably would never have done anything – for that matter nobody would get out of bed! If I’d thought about all the stuff I would have to do and all the problems I would face when doing a degree or having a baby or moving to Scotland or when i moved to London I probably would have cried and then curled up into a hedgehog ball for the next week so…
I’m thinking I need to start chanting out some clichéd mantras – you know the ones… I need to take a leap of faith, cross that bridge when I come to it, yadda yadda. But these really do apply, I don’t think doing this is possible without just jumping feet/head first into the unknown, safe in the knowledge I can always come back if it doesn’t work. But worrying about whether my daughter will take GCSE’s or do the International Baccalaureate is proper crazy time! I’ve been panicking about disadvantaging her, I can home school her through the primary years or most of them I’m confident of that; but I’ve been worrying about creating someone who has no qualifications at all and how this would affect her depending on her own life choices later.
I’m not saying these aren’t valid things I should be thinking about, I’m just realising that these decisions are possibly 10 years away and I need to calm the fuck down!!!